Proper posh and one percent mischief - the London hotel where Kate Middleton stayed and light switches say ‘ooh’

Bedroom light switches flick between ‘Bright’, ‘Calm’, ‘Cosy’ and ‘Ohh’, the hotel’s Eggs Drumkilbo was the Queen Mother’s favourite starter, and its Shetland pony has an Instagram account with over 171,000 followers.

That hotel is The Goring.

It’s the only one in London with a Royal Warrant — issued to businesses supplying services to the royal family. It’s also the city’s last remaining family-owned luxury stay, and a place into which I deeply regret arriving wearing trainers.

I can see my face in the lobby’s chequered marble floor. Doormen and footmen take bags, greet ‘sirs’ and ‘madams’, and an impeccably polite receptionist checks me in before accompanying me to a room overlooking a private garden in which three deckchairs sit with Union Jack canvases.

How on earth to describe this place?

“It’s very British,” is the guest relations manager’s gracious answer to my thinking aloud. “It’s very discreet.”

That evening, I ask a colleague how he would describe The Goring. “It’s very British,” he says. The following day, I put the same question to its sales and marketing manager, Paula McColgan from Inishowen, Co Donegal.

“It’s quintessentially British,” she smiles.

It is. Wholly, indelibly, DNA-drippingly so. Squirrelled away in Belgravia, it is a pop of old-school poshness in a head-spinning crossroads of a capital city. It feels like a hospitality island in a tumultuous sea of change.

“It’s family-owned, so you can feel the love,” general manager Michael Voigt tells me. The hotel was opened in 1910 by Otto Goring, I learn (it was the first with central heating and a bathroom in every room), and is today run by the fourth generation of that same family.

This is one reason The Goring isn’t boring. “One percent mischief” is a term I hear to describe it, and it feels precisely right. The 69-bed bolthole may not have the bottomless pockets of, say, Claridges’ Qatari royal owners, or The Peninsula’s Hong Kong and Shanghai Hotels. But it has its independence, and a twinkle in its traditional eye.

Into that 1pc you might place Teddy, the Insta-slaying Shetland pony. Or a ‘Madness of King George’ cocktail that turns the monarch’s favourite whiskey into an apple Manhattan. Or the caricatures of Gorings painted into the lobby wallpaper. Or a dress-up box from which children can pluck princess and Harry Potter costumes.

But the 99pc - the opulence, Britishness and discretion - is never, ever under question. It breathes from the walls.

In recent years, The Goring has been refurbing, giving spaces a crisp new twist. Afternoon tea is served in a light-filled veranda with botanical patterns spurting on the chairs and bifold windows overlooking the garden.

Croquet is played outside in summer, because of course it is.

The cocktail bar is a cosy, classy space in which you might sip a gin martini or Garden Negroni (£18), letting your imagination loose on the wealthy cast of characters dotted around a baby grand and large conversation chair.

Small table lamps cast an amber glow, playful plaster reliefs of sea creatures and mermaids puff out on the walls, and assured staff balance personality like a cherry on a cocktail. When I stop a pour of Champagne as it hits the halfway mark in my glass, for example, the server leaves it trickle for another sweet second of temptation.

“Will you get in trouble?”

The Goring’s dining room has a Michelin star and an admirable focus on British food (what else?), but is one space where I feel stuffiness gets the better of the place.

I enjoy the signature Goring lobster omelette (£45), broken into elements including a skillet full of gooey Clarence Court eggs mixed with plump chunks of lobster. Service is consummate and silverware heavy, but there’s a torpor to the carpets and creams, the golden drapes and dull lighting. Swarovski blossom chandeliers feel forced rather than fun here; I think the room could use a refresh.

The dining room dress code is smart-casual, though I’m glad I’ve shed those trainers. “Ties are not required,” a note explains. “However, gentlemen are encouraged to wear a jacket over a shirt, which may be removed at the table.”

The jacket, that is.

My stay comes as London enters a new age of ultra-high-end hospitality. Think of Raffles’ £1.4bn reboot of the War Office as The OWO (complete with subterranean ballroom and Aston Martin DB5 above its Spy Bar), the September opening of The Peninsula (with “a special introductory offer of £1,300”), or upcoming arrivals like the Mandarin Oriental in Mayfair, or Claridge’s sister, The Emory.

In this surreal, spendy world, The Goring feels like it has layers, a genuine personality. You may not love the tone. It is proper posh, almost to the point of caricature. But it is utterly sure of what it is, and the longer my short stay goes on, the less out-of-place I feel. Staff make a connection.

My room has Gainsborough silks on the walls, a marble bathroom dotted with Asprey products (another Royal Warrant holder), antique furniture pieces that have me running my fingers along the wood... and a fluffy sheep on the bed.

“That’s Barbara,” the receptionist smiles. “She likes to travel. You can take her home with you.”

Before checkout, I walk around the block in Belgravia. Passing The Peninsula, turning down Constitution Hill towards the Victoria Monument, I notice a stir among the crowds outside Buckingham Palace. A police motorcade sirens around the corner; a Bentley State Limousine follows. Inside are King Charles and Queen Camilla, waving in their slow-mo way to cheering spectators.

It’s very British.

How to do it

Rates at The Goring start from £715 per night on a B&B basis.

Bedroom choices range from ‘Classics for one’ designed for solo stays, to suites with dedicated footman service and the two-bed Royal Suite, where the Duchess of Cambridge stayed. Its B&B rates start from £8,500 a night.

Afternoon tea is also an option, priced from £65pp. But it should be booked in advance.

Victoria Station is a three-minute walk away, with high-end shopping in Mayfair and Knightsbridge.

Pól stayed as a guest of the hotel. thegoring.com